I have finally made the big call and got myself on the FET calendar for my next cycle. This is a bit misleading, as I almost always need Provera to start a new cycle so all this really means is that I'll be cycling when I suck it up and take those ten little pills. At any rate, it's reassuring to know that my FET will be a Lupron/Estrodial Valerate two-month doozy. Some FET cycles are short and minimally altered by meds. As someone whose own hormones are unpredictable, I prefer cycles where they suppress and totally replace instead of crossing my fingers that my body behaves. I can be patient.
It's Sunday and I started a new feature one week ago today, so here is my CBTH item for the week:
the essential-to-every-modern-nursery Eames rocking chair
I'm all over the place with nursery design style, but I love the look of the classic Eames rocking chair. I can see myself blowing the budget on one of these and then scrambling to buy stuff like a crib and changing table.
My blog has taken on a decidedly unhappy tone lately. I know some of you out there are worried about my state of mind and I appreciate your encouragement and concern. I promise I'm not depressed all the time. Sooo, in an effort to bring some sparkle back to my blog, I'm going to add a regular feature that I'll call "Cart Before the Horse." That's a bump phrase that's used for any baby-related browsing or shopping that happens before pregnancy. It also happens to be one of my very favorite things to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I'm going to share some of the things I've been dying to buy and make for the almost three (yikes!) years since I started trying to have a baby.
Item Number One: Fruit Punch fabric by Timeless Treasures. I'm not sure what I would make out of this fabric, but I'm pretty sure I could design an entire nursery using apples and this color scheme.
Item Number Two: Dream Menagerie rug by Anthropologie.
Item Number Three: Gus and Lula print from Etsy. This was featured recently on a style board from Lay Baby Lay. I guess thinking of IF like an adventure is appropriate, no? This strays from my aqua-centered nursery ideas in items one and two but gray/yellow is one of my other favorite color sets.
So, what do you think? Is it nutso to be making a shopping list for things I can't buy?
Some really great ladies in the online IF community started wearing a bracelet made of a specific kind and color embroidery thread to signify that they are a part of the IF community. It serves many purposes, but one of the goals is to educate the world about infertility. If you wear the pomegranate bracelet and someone asks you about it, you're supposed to share your story and hopefully do your part to end the shame and embarrassment that too often accompany infertility by being open and honest with people you might not ordinarily open up to. The bracelet is also a way for a PAIF (pregnant after infertility) woman to reach out to those of us who are still trying to get pregnant. It says, "I know what you're going through. I've been there and I know how lucky I am." What a great message, something one of the original ladies likened to a secret handshake.
The ladies on thebump are putting together a Common Thread event and soon I'll be sporting a bracelet the color of pomegranates (which are said to increase fertility). Ask me about it if you see me!
January, 2012 has been rolling around in my head since we found out we were not getting a take-home baby out of our IVF cycle. From that time, we automatically agreed (with zero discussing) that we would wait until "after the first of the year" to try a FET. At the time, it sounded like far enough in the future to not worry about. As in, "we have to wait foreverrrr to try again so I might as well not even think about getting mentally prepared for it."
::fastforward through a busy semester::
Now it's January, 2012 and it's time to get back on the crazy train. Only I'm scared. The reason they tell you to get back on the horse that's thrown you is because if you wait, you'll lose your nerve. I've waited and now I've lost my nerve. From January until September last year I was rolling from one cycle into another and never had time to second guess my decisions. Now I'm haunted by the question, "At what point do we cut our losses and say we won't spend any more?"
I've sent the email to my clinic's financial director asking for the itemized list of my clinic expenses last year. I even opened a new email to send to my IVF nurse, sweet Rebecca, to tell her we will (hopefully) be ready to roll as soon as we get our taxes done. Then I closed it and had a good little cry. I am totally not mentally prepared for another failed cycle. One almost did me in. Two is unfathomable.
I read a bump signature today of a woman who got pregnant for the first time after four fresh cycles and a frozen cycle. I am in awe of the strength it must have taken to keep going time after time. Even without taking into account the fact that we could never afford that many cycles, I could not withstand the emotional trauma.