Anger is one of the stages of grief and that's where I'm at this week. I was really sad when I first found out I was losing my baby. Now, I'm mad. I'm mad at the baby for not sticking around. I'm mad that I cried the night before I turned 30 because I am now an age by which many people are finished having kids and I don't even have the first one. I'm mad because stupid people have babies and I don't. I'm mad because Andrew and I have spent almost twenty thousand dollars trying to get pregnant and have only an early loss and monthly payments to show for it. I'm mad because people keep telling me stupid stuff like, "Stay positive and it'll happen," "so-and-so got pregnant as soon as they stopped trying," and "at least you get to try again." We may get to try again but I don't know many people who have to come up with five grand every time they want to TRY to get pregnant.
Maybe acceptance is a stage that's coming and maybe someday I'll stop wanting to punch everyone who tells me that relaxing will help me get pregnant. I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, I'm going to keep right on being mad that people can go through so much and have so little to show for it.
I think that unless someone has been there they can't fully understand how hurtful the comments like "relax and it will happen" are. Yes, as if I haven't thought of that right?
ReplyDeleteI don't honestly understand how we get through all of this. We got through painful tests, emotional days, hormonal upheavals, losses, and month after month of disappointment, only to be told to keep doing it. But yet we carry on.
I was shopping today in a dollar store and this woman walked in with a gorgeous little girl (about 3 years old) - the little girl was so happy to see the Halloween decorations and I even smiled at her, then the mother turned toward me. She was pregnant and I had an instant hate for her. I don't know her. I don't know her story. But for a few minutes I hated her and was so mad at her. Why did she get what I want so desperately.
I've gotten to the acceptance point of anger. I accept that I'm going to be angry. I accept that I have a right to be angry. And I accept that anyone who doesn't like that can (in the words of my mother-in-law)... go f--- their hats.
Be angry as long as you need to... you have more than earned the right!! *hug*